Neaker Girl

Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Is it me or what?

Today I do feel better and not so pissed off at everyone, but I feel like a total failure. What's up with that? I could cry at the drop of a pin right now. I think that with Kurtis graduating and all that is going on here, I don't know if I can keep up. I work everyday and try to put a smile on my face to maybe hide what I am truly feeling. Unhappiness and failure in my life. My finances have gotten out of control along with my weight(hehehehehe). I wake up and feel numb. Then I try to cram everything in, and I never get it done. No matter how fast or hard I work, it all still keeps piling up on me. I forgot how to be proud of my accomplishments. I think it is partially due to the boy's father not doing anything and just putting it all on me. Sure he has a new family with a new baby, but what about his other three kids. My kids don't even ask him for help anymore because he is always tied up taking care of his other family. Then I try to make up to the kids for their father's short comings and I can't do it any more. I reflect upon my life and this is what I get.
first baby at 16, graduated from high school, got married at 18, worked my ass off and had three more children by the time I was 24. Lost my 3rd son at 22 and had the last one that takes all my time due to his disabilities. Lost about 103 pounds at 29, moved out of my house and the disfunction of my ex husband. Moved back in when Kurtis had the accident and lost his sight. Moved my ex husband out of the house three months later and filed for divorce. Wow, that alone is just nothing but failure. Met Mike and filed for divorce. Went back to school at 32 to become a nurse and try to change myself. Graduated from college at 35 and was a nurse. My oldest graduated from high school at the same time. He in turn is delivering pizza's for a living driving his younger brother's car because his does not work. The younger brother that does not have his drivers license because he failed the test and mom can't take him out driving. No time right now and the boy is blind in one eye. NO DEPT PERCEPTION AT ALL!!!!!!!! A few close calls might I say on corners. I feel awful about that because I want to help him attain his license, but my blood pressure hits the ceiling. Let's see. Mike proposed to me last year and we have been together for 8 1/2 years. Don't know if I want to marry him. I can't depend on him working steady all the time because his job is seasonal and there are too many ups and downs with that. I love the man greatly, but do I really want to go there and absorb his debts along with my own. I spent 13 years with my exhusband trying to make it on our income, and he totally controlled it. He was the cause of my foreclosure on my house, which will haunt me forever. I filed bankruptcy last year and still am sitting in debt. I am 39 years old renting a house. I can't even consider looking to buy a house. I do have a decent car that I bought two years ago, but they slam me every month due to my credit at 23.9% interest. That will give you an idea of what I pay for a car payment. I can't even keep up with that. So when I fall behind, I have to hide my car so they won't take it. Boy that makes everyone feel great about themselves. Mom recently had to get my ass out of a ringer with the utilities company because they shut off my water, gas, and electric because I was so far behind. The $600.00 payments two weeks prior did not matter to them. Then I had social services looking to take my youngest son out of the home that day because it is considered child endangerment. He is on life support and needs electricity. 39 years old and my mom has to pay my bills. Wow aint that great. Well here I sit sobbing at my computer because I have no one to talk to. Been too busy to even make friends and most of my other friends have their own disfunctions. Can't really talk with mom about it because she gets so upset and tries to change things, but she can't. I don't know. Well, I suppose I have to go for now. Up with the boy, but need to go to work so I have to go and wake Mike up to take care of Forrest so I can go to work. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Me

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/17/2006 07:03:00 AM :: 1 comments