Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sleep

I finally feel like a slept soundly this morning. I don't think I have slept that soundly in about 8 months or so. Boy, I do feel better and feel like I could get my entire house clean today. I do have to go to work for a little while to do some injections, but I think that I am going to work on this place when I get back. It's kinda gray outside, but feels like it is going to be a nice day.(warm) . I will talk to ya all later taters,
Love,
Me

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/27/2006 10:15:00 AM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

IS THERE A WAY TO GET THEM TO LISTEN?????

I really want to know if there is a way to get the male counterpart to listen and actually hear what you have to say. I am so tired of trying to communicate with Mike and really have a conversation about something other than going out for a beer, or waiting to hear from his boss on when he will, if ever, go back to work and get paid.
I think that I would be better off by myself or changing my sexual preference. What the hell does he do for me anyway. Well, I guess my hair is falling our for one reason or another. When the doc asks, "Do you have any life stressers?", what am I supposed to say. Yes, a live in boyfriend that works a day here or there and likes his beer, a child getting married, a child graduating, and a handicapped child that I care for at home. That may explain why I have lost 1/2 my hair on the top of my head. Not very nice to look at my scalp right now, but that's about what you see.
You would think that he could notice it, if everyone else does. Does that even bother him one bit. Don't look like it does.
I need a man that cares about me, hard working, loving, excepting, and passionate in my life right now. Guess the only men available are the handicapped ones, just like parking spaces. I guess I am done bitching right now, going to go to cry myself to sleep again.
Love,
Me
Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/24/2006 08:49:00 PM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Is it me or what?

Today I do feel better and not so pissed off at everyone, but I feel like a total failure. What's up with that? I could cry at the drop of a pin right now. I think that with Kurtis graduating and all that is going on here, I don't know if I can keep up. I work everyday and try to put a smile on my face to maybe hide what I am truly feeling. Unhappiness and failure in my life. My finances have gotten out of control along with my weight(hehehehehe). I wake up and feel numb. Then I try to cram everything in, and I never get it done. No matter how fast or hard I work, it all still keeps piling up on me. I forgot how to be proud of my accomplishments. I think it is partially due to the boy's father not doing anything and just putting it all on me. Sure he has a new family with a new baby, but what about his other three kids. My kids don't even ask him for help anymore because he is always tied up taking care of his other family. Then I try to make up to the kids for their father's short comings and I can't do it any more. I reflect upon my life and this is what I get.
first baby at 16, graduated from high school, got married at 18, worked my ass off and had three more children by the time I was 24. Lost my 3rd son at 22 and had the last one that takes all my time due to his disabilities. Lost about 103 pounds at 29, moved out of my house and the disfunction of my ex husband. Moved back in when Kurtis had the accident and lost his sight. Moved my ex husband out of the house three months later and filed for divorce. Wow, that alone is just nothing but failure. Met Mike and filed for divorce. Went back to school at 32 to become a nurse and try to change myself. Graduated from college at 35 and was a nurse. My oldest graduated from high school at the same time. He in turn is delivering pizza's for a living driving his younger brother's car because his does not work. The younger brother that does not have his drivers license because he failed the test and mom can't take him out driving. No time right now and the boy is blind in one eye. NO DEPT PERCEPTION AT ALL!!!!!!!! A few close calls might I say on corners. I feel awful about that because I want to help him attain his license, but my blood pressure hits the ceiling. Let's see. Mike proposed to me last year and we have been together for 8 1/2 years. Don't know if I want to marry him. I can't depend on him working steady all the time because his job is seasonal and there are too many ups and downs with that. I love the man greatly, but do I really want to go there and absorb his debts along with my own. I spent 13 years with my exhusband trying to make it on our income, and he totally controlled it. He was the cause of my foreclosure on my house, which will haunt me forever. I filed bankruptcy last year and still am sitting in debt. I am 39 years old renting a house. I can't even consider looking to buy a house. I do have a decent car that I bought two years ago, but they slam me every month due to my credit at 23.9% interest. That will give you an idea of what I pay for a car payment. I can't even keep up with that. So when I fall behind, I have to hide my car so they won't take it. Boy that makes everyone feel great about themselves. Mom recently had to get my ass out of a ringer with the utilities company because they shut off my water, gas, and electric because I was so far behind. The $600.00 payments two weeks prior did not matter to them. Then I had social services looking to take my youngest son out of the home that day because it is considered child endangerment. He is on life support and needs electricity. 39 years old and my mom has to pay my bills. Wow aint that great. Well here I sit sobbing at my computer because I have no one to talk to. Been too busy to even make friends and most of my other friends have their own disfunctions. Can't really talk with mom about it because she gets so upset and tries to change things, but she can't. I don't know. Well, I suppose I have to go for now. Up with the boy, but need to go to work so I have to go and wake Mike up to take care of Forrest so I can go to work. Thanks for listening.
Love,
Me

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/17/2006 07:03:00 AM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

better today

Well, I think that today is a better day. Still exhausted and by the time I get home from work all I can think about is taking a nap so that I can start it all over tomorrow. Hope that everyone is doing well and has a great day.
Ohhh, checked out Uncle Bruce's spot and I like the posting. Had us all laughing around here. Guess some white boys can dance!!!!!!
Love ya and see ya later
Angie

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/16/2006 09:11:00 PM :: 0 comments

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

I think I need a happy pill.

No matter how you look at it, it's all depressing. I have had just a really chitty day and I know it is in part to not sleeping, but all in all, it's chitty. I wonder if I could talk the doc into giving me a pill that makes me just not give a chit about anything because I don't think there is such a thing as a happy pill. My hair keeps falling out and at this rate, I will be totally bald within 6 months. Maybe there is a pill for that too.
Think that I am just tired of everyone's expectations from me and I just want to crawl under the covers and pretend that I don't exist anymore. If it is not one thing, it's another and nothing is right for anyone. Can't please myself, how can I be expected to please anyone else. I work my arss off for nothing at all and no appreciation from anyone. I am still expected to come home and clean and cook after working 10 and 12 hour shifts, and if I have a poor attitude or I am just tired, Well, IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!!!!. If I just don't do anything, then I listen to the hmmms and the wines all day long. Everyone in this house needs to get off their flipping arsses and do it themselves.
I just think that I am going to explode or keel over and then I will still continue to listen to everyone else tell me that I'm not doing that right either. Tired of that too. Always listening to how I need to do things. For crying out loud, it's supposed to be mother's day today, not everyone else's day.
So I spent today sitting in my jammies trying to do nothing, but that does not happen. So I can come online and bitch about it all. Wow that's reassuring to me. Can't tell ya how flipping frustrated I am right now.
Ohhh well, here we go again with all the little noises and keep it to yourself frustrations because I wouldn't wait on you hand and foot today while you all sit on the computer playing games all day long. Boy sounds like a life we should all have.
Sorry for blowing off some steam, but if I didn't, well, probably pack all my shit and just leave, drive off into the sunset never to be heard from again.
So now that I am done making everyone else feel horse chit, sorry, I feel a little better.
Will be back soon. Everyone take care
Love me

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/14/2006 08:30:00 PM :: 1 comments

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

New Hair!!!!!!!

This is what I did at the beginning of the year. I cut my hair off and went to something a little easier to care for. Now what I have to do is just about nothing. The cut is an inverted cut so that the back goes up and bobs out a little. This was when I was feeling like I needed to do something different with my life and I wanted it to be a drastic change. Drastic it was because I have not had short hair in a very, very long time. Aunty sorry it is in black and white, but Cindy took the picture and she is trying out her new camera. The color is now a red/auburn with some brown and a little blonde for highlights. Hopefully you like it!!!!! You know how I get when I do crazy things, like when I dyed my hair platnum blond and spiked it up, or when I would pierce my ears when I was bored with a safety pin. (hehehehe). I think that all of us do crazy cracked up things from time to time. Well gotta go for the time being because Kurtis has his senior prom and I have to go to work for a little while and draw up some insulin for one of our residents. Love ya and see ya later.
Love,
Me

Posted by Neaker Girl :: 5/13/2006 09:13:00 AM :: 2 comments

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